Sephiroth Meets His Unauthorized Fanclub
by Azusa Kuraino
Summary: While on his quest to become a god, Sephiroth encounters a horror which changes his goals forever...


This is old. This is a parody. This is possibly offensive to fangirls of the more rabid variety. 

So, without further ado... 

**Sephiroth Meets His Unauthorized Fanclub**

    Sephiroth stood on the precipice of the Northern Crater, his sword raised and his arms extended to the sky. "I shall become one with the Planet..." he whispered into the bitter wind, and prepared for his descent into the heart of the Crater, where the Planet's energy would be his for the taking. 

    Just as he thought this, he caught a noise from behind him. "Errr...like...um... excuse me and stuff..." 

    He swung around. "What!?" 

    Two dozen teenage girls stood behind him, giggling and quivering, brandishing autograph books, cameras and identical T-shirts bearing the words "The Sephiroth Worship Club." "Who ARE you?" he demanded furiously. 

    The leader's eyes went wide. "OhmiGAWD!! Sephiroth, you are, like, so totally cool! You're sooo much hunkier than that Clod guy!" And before Sephiroth had a chance to protest, the girls swarmed upon him with their autograph books and cameras, squealing like the front row of a Hanson concert. 

    "Oh, Sephiroth! I want to marry you!" 

    "Oh, Sephiroth! I set up a webpage just to worship you that costs me over five thousand dollars in computer equipment to maintain, but it's all worth it for YOU!!" 

    "I made an entire doujinshi all about you killing Cloud horribly and bloodily and I published it without authorization, and now Square of America is trying to sue me for copyright infringement, but I did it all for you!!" 

    "Yeah, totally!" squealed another girl as Sephiroth backed off. "That Clod guy should, like, die. You should take over the whole Planet and become a god or something, but, like, you're already a god to us!" 

    "Can I take a picture of you holding up Cloud's decapitated head?" begged another, waving a camera before the flabbergasted Sephiroth. "All my friends back home in the Sephiroth Worship Club will be sooo totally jealous!" 

    "Yah! Yah!" The entire group proceeded to jump up and down and scream with excitement, producing a high-pitched din which could have been employed to kill small rodents. 

    Sephiroth's lip curled in a sneer. "You sicken me," he informed them calmly as the Sephiroth Worship Club fell silent. "You traitors. You're just more of those pathetic creatures, evolutionary accidents who aren't fit to rule the Planet." 

    "Noooo!" wailed the President of the Sephiroth Worship Club, pulling out her custom-made replica of the Masamune which had cost her thousands of dollars. "I...I haven't pleased him! This is the end!" And with that, she disembowled herself with the six-foot sword, slumping over the jagged rocks as her blood seeped between them. 

    After a long pause, an enthused voice ventured, "It's all right, Sephiroth. We still love you!" 

    The remaining members of the Worship Club began to jump and squeal, holding up their stuffed handmade dolls of Sephiroth, poorly drawn fan art, and other token offerings. "You're the awesomest!" yelled one, as she raised a burning effigy of Cloud. 

    "All you need is a hug!" asserted the Vice-President of the Sephiroth Worship Club, as she ran straight into his arms and promptly swooned. With a sniff of disdain, Sephiroth shoved her limp form over the edge of the Northern Crater. "Will you leave me alone?? I'll NEVER become one with the Planet if you keep bothering me!" 

    "Ohh...he's so strong and manly! I want a hug too!" And with that, all twenty-two remaining members began to charge towards him, their arms open wide. 

    Sephiroth swung the Masamune outwards in a wide arc as they surrounded him. What happened next is a tale too gruesome for the general public; suffice it to say that when the Masamune finally lay still, only one survivor remained, and not in an entirely whole state at that. 

    The sole survivor lay in a pool of blood, moaning happily. "I...got a sword wound from him," she choked out. "My...friends'll be...so jealous...!" And with that, she died. 

    Wiping the blood discreetly from the Masamune, Sephiroth tucked the immense sword under his arm and turned back to the Northern Crater. "You know," he mused to no one in particular, "I really just wanted to become a god. But now, I think I'll wipe out the entire human race! Ha, ha, ha!!" 


End file.
